My intention of blogging stems from wanting to explore new ways of expressing myself. I don't write for the attention of readers, nor in the intent of somebody actually reading this. I write because I think that we can learn unique and sometimes hidden things in our personality after reflecting on it for a few moments.
Everyone that I know gets asked how they are doing on a daily basis. I have yet to form a coherent and appropriate response that is both truthful and real. I am in the group of people who smile and give a thumbs up. Even when Facebook asks me what I am up to, I never give a real response. this post is intended to be a real response, so strap yourself in future me, you'll remember this was a hard time.
I just graduated from Abilene Christian University one year early with a B.S. in Communications and minor in Political Science, you didn't want to stay in school any longer than you had to because you were fed up with the education system in America, particularly the societal pressure of going off to university right after high school. You did your best to enjoy your experience at ACU, but you were hurt your freshmen year in Oxford by glass half empty people. This made you resentful for a couple years and it became very difficult to be vulnerable with others. Graduating from college one year early opens up different opportunities for you. You are currently discerning your vocation seriously. You have complicated relationships with several friends, especially your best friend. You feel ineffective in one-on-one conversations because technology has impaired your ability to relate with other people. You are spending one year in Abilene working with a halfway house, doing mission work with a group of people that your hear has become attached to during your time in college. You are looking for a job in either construction or using a CDL to drive trucks. You are a fitness freak addicted to CrossFit and it distracts you every hour of every day. You leave for Zambia tonight, which is why you are blogging thoughts and feelings now so that they can be fresh for your trip as you close this chapter of your life and begin a new one.
Most importantly though, your relationship with God has never been so Pharisee looking. This is what you are striving to fix every single day. You look clean on the outside, but dirty on the inside. You help others but can't help yourself. You are genuinely trying though, you just finished the Bible's audiobook. You lead praise and worship and encourage others to act. It is just the small moments, those tiny, insignificant at the time choices, that pile up and bury you. You hope that going to Zambia can help you get back on the right path, living a more simple life and being present with the people that you are in community with. It will only work if you remind yourself everyday that your life is not your own.
That is all I can say, and I hope that it is better than a thumbs up and a smile.
